Friday, November 19, 2004

A daughter's grief observed



It hasn't been quite four months since my father passed away, and I find his loss affecting me in many ways.

The grief for my father seems to be like a dark cloud. Sometimes it overhangs my life with dense cover, blanketing everything with sadness. Other times it recedes and even dissipates to the point where life is sunny and I think of him fleetingly or even happily.

The only predictable thing about it, though, is that it is unpredictable. I can be going about my business fairly cheerfully, only to be suddenly blindsided by the dark cloud.

My sister Lisa told me that the other day, she was singing along to a Mariah Carey song as she drove, when she was suddenly and quite unexpectedly blindsided by the grief, and she burst into tears.

That has happened to me so many times. Sometimes it's an unbidden memory, image, or even scent that triggers the feeling...but I suppose it's fitting that most often it's music, because music was such a huge part of my father's life.

When it happens, I completely give in to it. I find that letting the tears flow freely is healing and restorative.

I suppose it's like other forms of pain and loss I've experienced in my life. Life does go on--in fact, it sweeps along like a raging river, whether you like it or not. You smile, and laugh, and enjoy. But that grief will always be there; sometimes a dense cloud cover, sometimes only a wispy cloud. But never far away.

3 comments:

solis783 said...

HI.
It has been four and a half months since my Dad died. He just turned 57. I'm 24 and I never pictured my life without him. It has been difficult living without him, he was such a big part of my life and I didn't even realize it until after he died. I have a hard time expressing my feelings about it. I don't ever cry about it - I don't what people to know how much it affects me. I also agree with you about having good days and bad days. Even the good days are plagued with depressing moments. I really liked your blog and I just wanted to comment on it.
Amanda

nedjhy dominique said...

My dad passed away almost a month ago and I don't know where to go from here. I'm completely lost because our lives were so intertwined ... I was his caregiver during his eight year battle with three aggressive cancers. Even before the cancer, we were like two peas in a pod. So far I'm keeping it together but I have no idea how long I'll be able to do so. I found your blog and it has been very helpful.

nedjhy dominique said...

My dad passed away almost a month ago and I don't know where to go from here. I'm completely lost because our lives were so intertwined ... I was his caregiver during his eight year battle with three aggressive cancers. Even before the cancer, we were like two peas in a pod. So far I'm keeping it together but I have no idea how long I'll be able to do so. I found your blog and it has been very helpful.

Related Posts with Thumbnails