The Perfect E-Mail Forward--A Must-Read!

Delving into the archives of my blog, I found this gem--a parody of an e-mail forward. It's a tongue-in-cheek response to those bothersome forwards we ALL get. Read on, and chuckle:


A LITTLE NOTE TO ALL MY FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES. PLEASE READ IN
ITS ENTIRETY


Thank you everyone.

I must give my thanks to whoever sent me the one about roach eggs
in the glue on envelopes because I
now have to get a wet towel with every envelope that needs
sealing. Also, I scrub the top of every
can I open for the same reason.

I want to thank you who have taken the time and trouble to send
me your chain letters over the past
12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed,
and wealthy. Because of your
concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could
be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me
with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't
support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and
Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my
kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from
Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me and St. Theresa's
novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM(CST) this afternoon
and the fleas from 1,000 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician!